My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My dick has a subreddit
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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