FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
