so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
