There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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