I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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