I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
