I just gift wrapped bread.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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