After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
