I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
