I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
