i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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