To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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