I just saw a hot homeless man
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
