roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
