i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
