Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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