note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
