The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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