I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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