I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
