my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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