i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
