I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
