Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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