You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
