What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
