I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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