Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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