I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
