I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
