I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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