well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm both gender and math confused
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
