All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
