I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
