remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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