I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
