you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
