her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
