I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
