Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
