I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
