Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
