i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
