At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
