the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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