Your mouth is God's brothel.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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