living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
