I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
