i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
