Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
