Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
